i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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