Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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