You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
