His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
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at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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