we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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