on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
