maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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