i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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