I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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