I threw up into my coffee this morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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