You're so nebulous sometimes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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