Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
you're hired as official boob wrangler
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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