i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
