I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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