Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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