No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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