we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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