i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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