I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
