she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
