guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
