if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
