No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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