i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize