this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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