were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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