I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
