Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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