Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
