Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
