I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
