is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.