burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
