I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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