these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
