Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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