Michael Bay diarrhea
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
