peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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