how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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