Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
BRING THE BAGELS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened