I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
