my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.