i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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