I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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