Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
even my farts smell like vagina
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
