She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
