that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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