I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
