I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i came on her dog
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A+ Viking dick
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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