There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
