69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
