I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
