the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
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I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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