I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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