Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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