Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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